Something I wrote

   It seems like such a dream like a fantasy made in my mind to torment me, how could something so evil and twisted happen to me. I was only 6 what could I have possibly done to sexually please this man I was innocent and knew nothing. Why couldn't he find someone his own age? I couldn't ride a bike, I couldn't tie my shoe, I couldn't multiply or divide, I couldn't read all that well, I couldn't reach the top cupboard, there were so many things I was incapable of doing. Yet I was capable of turning this man on, I was capable of staring fear in the eye and hiding from it. I was capable of mentally withdrawing myself although i had no clue what it meant. How is it that one can do things but yet have no understanding of what is going on? How is it that someone as powerful as God allows these things to happen. The evil to remain while the innocent die inwardly. Someone powerful enough to raise the dead, split the sea, turn water into wine, cast out demons, heal the sick with one touch, destroy an entire world with a flood, allow a man to survive inside a whale for 3 days, yet still allow a helpless child to go through hell and do nothing about it.

   No one has answers we all have theories and ideas but no answers funny isn't it. Funny how we can't explain it no one can, not a pastor, not a parent, not a friend, not even a counselor. Listening is good, expressing our feelings is good, but it doesn't answer why this happens. As a society we have cures for diseases, technology beyond our understanding, a phone the size of a credit card, the capability to know everything about a person with a simple 9 digit number, to find any information we want with a computer and a keyboard, but we can't explainthis kind of evil. Maybe society ignores it after all it is uncomfortable to talk about, it makes people squirm, making jokes and movies about it makes people a little more comfortable about it. If we can laugh at something then it must not be all that bad.

   I'm not laughing, I am though having flashbacks, nightmares, night sweats, trust issues, problems with relationships, a marriage on the rocks. I am suffering from depression, PTSD, anxiety, regression. I am taking medication for these things, we can treat and discuss all these things but yet not explain them. I am amazed by socity's tolerance and acceptance of this. We have to put our children in car seats till they reach 40 lbs so they stay safe, they have ratings on video games and movies so that parents are aware of bad things, the government puts police in schools to keep out violence, yet we can't stop abuse just doesn't make sense does it.

What message does society send to children and women when molesters and rapist go free or spend very little time in jail and that is if they are caught. We feel your important enough to strap in a car seat but not to stop someone from destroying you on the inside. You would think that we could do something different after all it is 2006.

 Heather